It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
