I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
