Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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