That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it's like iHOP with fire
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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