where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
