I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
