Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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