Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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