sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
