I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
