He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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