Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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