I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
