I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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