Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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