I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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