You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
