I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
