im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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