Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
