it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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