You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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