Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
