this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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