i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
