Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
