i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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