oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
