If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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