why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
