I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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