I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
