Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
