You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
