Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
