You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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