God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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