we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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