I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
