I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
