Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
