Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
