Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
