i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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