I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
