He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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