You can't special order awesome
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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