my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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