I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
