fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
