we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
